They are not seeking to understand or respect others because they do not fully understand or respect themselves.
They hide from their own weaknesses by trying to make others weak.
Part of this was my own chumpiness — what signs I saw, I spackled — and part of it was nothing like this had ever happened to me before.
Like most people, I view the world through my own moral lens.
Those who try to meet these expectations will end up feeling like a failure because it is a game they cannot win.
For those who are abused, it is important to remember, the abuse received seldom has anything to do with them. One of the hardest things to realize is one has little to no influence on making deep or lasting changes in the abuser.
What will you look for in the future so you don’t get chumped again?
Because the abuser suffers from internal discomfort and conflicts they don’t know how to address, no amount of logic, submissiveness or kindness will be enough to compensate or satisfy their insecurities.
While they may have some positive qualities, they hold toxic and unrealistic expectations which cannot be meet.Even if the abusers wants to change, they seldom want to put any real effort towards changing. They stick around hoping they can fix things and often end up blaming themselves for the state of the relationship.The long term cumulative effects of abuse are often difficult to quantify.Wouldn’t it be nice if every toxic person just came with a giant forehead tattoo? How did you discover you were dating a flaming personality disorder and not a mild-mannered government employee? To my knowledge, I’d never been cheated on (of course you could argue, I was a chump, how would I know? Then you could really sort the wheat from the chaff. And we have the therapy and legal bills to prove it. (No offense to our hard working civil servants, I mistakenly assumed a 20 year career in a federal bureaucracy meant my ex would be a solid, if dull choice.) Did I see signs? ) It was really beyond me to imagine that some people are predatory and are capable of living a double life.