Consider the avoider mentality a huge flight or fight response. If I run away and don’t open up that will solve the problem, but I want that closeness so badly. without willing to risk potential hurt and abandonment… This leads to all that unknown insecurity, inability to express emotion, and fear of rejection. I don’t want to make you angry or scare you off I just don’t know how to express myself. Emotions are walled off so as to not feel vulnerable, leaving intimacy dead in the water. Though even if there’s some fight involved, it usually moves to flight. Things that are irritating or large problems are internalized and stuffed away, versus being brought out. The emotions are released through one or many of the following non-exhaustive list of items: You could classify the avoider mentality as a large amount of defences rolled into one complex milieu of mechanisms to prevent any further trauma.
I don’t mean to hurt people or make them crazy it’s just what I think inside!
It is only in the middle stages where the imperfections are seen that larger issues can begin to develop.
One side may begin to pull away in the relationship; the one individual who feels engulfed while the other feels abandoned by this pull away.
Complicating things is the fact that each person experiences their own set of emotions, and can think of each other as the abandoner or engulfer!
In some cases the individual who distances themselves doesn’t notice, and the abandoner begins to feel like all the energy is coming from within to keep the relationship together.